A Pokemon Episode In Theory
by nedthejanitor
Summary: This is for those of you who have, for some reason, never seen an episode of Pokemon. Here's what happens in a typical episode. REVISED AS OF JANUARY 5TH, 2011
1. The WarmUp Minutes

**Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, and I wear that like a badge of honor.**

**I hope anyone who has read this before will enjoy the revised version, which lengthened the original and took the few bits of dialogue out of script format. If you don't like it, well, I hope you saved the original copy, because there will be no further changes unless I see fit, and they won't be to put it back into script format. Enjoy.**

**If you are in the Pokemon section of this site, you've heard of it. It's 99.9 percent likely you've heard of it. But for those precious .1 percent of people who are here for no real reason, here's a little taste of the long-forgotten sensation that you've missed.**

Once upon a time in the land of Poke-Earth, Ash Ketchum (FUNNY PUN GET IT HA HA BECAUSE HE CATCHES LITTLE POKEYMAN THINGS AND SHIT), Misty Waterflower (BECAUSE SHE USES WATERY POKEYMANS), and Brock Samson... er, I mean, uh... well, okay, let's go with Stone (HE LIKES POKEY ROCKS), because I can't find the last name anywhere and, besides, that would make his dad's name Flint Stone. If you don't get the joke, then you're beyond my help when it comes to pop culture references from the mid-60s.

Anyway, these three are up and about and as productive as you can imagine, especially Pikachu, Ash's annoying little companion who often shouts his own name for no important reason and, on a semi regular basis, shoots millions of volts of pure piss yellow electricity through Ash's entire body and all it's systems. Ash is still very much alive, but very much retarded, though I don't think he needed Pikachu's shock treatment for that. Misty's little companion, Togepi, is pretty much the same way, only it can't shoot thunder and be yellow, so it's COMPLETELY fucking useless. But at least it's safe for petting and snuggling and all that useless shit that _girly girls _like Misty are wont to do.

Oh, and both Pikachu and Togepi are allergic to Ritalin, so Ash and Co. are just plain old shit out of luck. I'd feel bad for them, but they're too oblivious (read: dumb) to realize how brain-melting irritating that name repeating shit gets on a daily basis.

But, honestly, if I could name my pet and that pet repeated the name I gave it in different inflections and variations for the rest of its life, that would be some fun. I'd probably name it something crazy like "HEY ASSHOLE MAKE ME SOME PANCAKES." And then I'd be like "OKAY, GOOD BOY."

...Where was I? Right, Pokemon.

Okay, so now Brock is up making food while Ash and Misty are having a polite discussion- err, I mean arguing obnoxiously about what direction to go in so they can get to the next town. Yee-haw. Feel the tension. By the way, Ash and Misty are both wrong, but they always go in Ash's direction, which is significantly more wrong than Misty's direction. Why Ash's direction, you ask? Because he's the Pokemon Master. Bow before him, all of you pathetically insignificant fools. Anyhow, the group eats to their hearts content once Brock's blind ass gets finished cooking, especially Ash, who eats roughly the same amount of food as a herd of genetically altered hippos and elephants with eight stomachs... per stomach.

Now that the group is finished sitting absolutely still and wasting your time, watching Ash graze like a damn animal and talking about nothing, they took to doing what they were second best at besides pissing me off: walking aimlessly and stumbling upon random shit. But, if you ask them, they're just going toward some city with some gym that uses some type of Pokemon and offers some badge. To be honest, it really doesn't matter much. Everyone knows Ash is just going to win anyway because he's the Pokemon Master, and you better not forget it you little poser bitch. Okay, so halfway to whatever European hovel they're going toward by taking Ash's path, Misty's level of bitchity goes into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (PMS).

MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE MISTY, with the help of her MAXIMUM BLEEDING VAGINA, goes and picks another meaningless, ear shattering argument with Ash that ends with Ash being pulverized with a huge hammer Misty hides in God knows where. Brock would normally do something about it other than try to talk calmly to them, but he can't, because he is one hundred percent incapable of seeing. Let me explain: In the cartoon, it may look like he can see, but they are only cleverly editing out all the shots where Brock runs into something, which is hard because it happens like every twelve seconds. You may ask, "But Ned, if he can't see, how come he is always able to see how pretty girls are?" Simple. He can smell them, and his mind can create an outline of what they look like. Or something.

Okay, look. Just look at him. His eyes are lines. No evidence can support any theory that he can see out of those damn things. He's blind. Horribly blind. Got it? Good.

Picking up where we left off, which was in the middle of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOWHERE, the group is still walking about, and at this point, any normal group of people would be getting mauled by bears or Jason Voorhees or bears wearing hockey masks and holding machetes and repeating JASON VOORHEESU in a loud, squeaky voice eternally, but not this little group of heroes. We can only thank Poke-God for how lucky we are. But, just as they're about to reach an untimely death from starvation and exposure to the elements OH MY GOD WHO SHOULD APPEAR BUT THE INFAMOUS...

_**COMMERCIAL BREAK MY THUMBS**_


	2. The Crappy Pokemon

**Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon, but I own one fork for each of your orifices.**

**Unless you're Misty**

WHO SHOULD APPEAR BUT...

Some samey-looking anime chick with some screwed up Pokemon that Ash and Co. had not seen before this particular episode. Ash, Misty, and Brock stare dumbly at the girl for uh... I don't know, about twenty seconds. Anyway, Brock finally breaks the awkward silence by asking the girl if she will bear his children... wait, wrong show. He uses a bunch of retarded Pokemon-based puns. "My loins are on fire like the tail of a Charizard" comes to mind. Seriously, he compared his new found love to some girl to the "burning flame of a Charizard." in one episode.

Think about that. Think about what would happen if you said that to a girl in real life. Oh, wait, you can't, because your brain has an aneurysm and shuts off every time you even think about it, or heaven forbid, CONSIDER IT. So, he swoons, the girl just sort of blinks at him like a deer in the headlights before Misty pulls his retarded ass away and Ash, who is a smooth talking Barry White motherfucker compared to Brock, goes and talks to her. No one knows why Misty always is the one to pull Brock away, I mean, it's not like he's hurting her feelings or anything. I think Misty has a thing for him, and all the Ash/Misty shippers can bite me. I think Ash/May is a much better couple and-

Wait, what the hell am I even talking about?

Anyhow, the girl introduces herself, having a name stupider than... uh... that "Cao Pi" guy from that one Dynasty Warriors game. Don't get the wrong idea about me, I saw it on X-Play over a year ago. Let's just say her name is "Duncan." Duncan has a really bad pokemon. We're talking pure-grade shit here, the kind of animal that not even PeTA cares about. Ash takes out his trusty Pokedex:

"Dexter, what is this Pokemon?" Ash asks the hand held machine.

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" the Pokedex barks back in a German-ish accent. "GET OUT OF MY LABORATORY!"

After getting the Pokedex to accidentally blow up one of his own inventions in the process of getting him to not press a certain button to find out what it does, it tells Ash what it wants to know about the dying Pokemon owned by Duncan. So, instead of putting this cursed animal out of it's misery, like good old PeTA would do, Ash proposes to train it (read: make it do a bunch of stupid stunts) until it's at Level 2 and is capable of taking a breath without expending two episodes worth of suspense.

But, as our heroes are attempting to train this genetic offense to God, Team Suckit... erm, Rocket, are watching from a bush. Their dialogue is generally as follows:

"Look, it's the twerps with the Pikachu! Let's steal it with some off the wall capture contraption that we can afford for some reason, even though we're always whining about not having money for food." spoke Jesse, the girl.

"I'm hungry! I sure wish I hadn't left my rich home to go on wacky adventures with a smart ass cat and a bitchy broad." whined James, the girlier.

"I say we swipe it using something shock-proof, even though Ash has an entire team of other types of Pokemon at his disposal to wipe the floor with our one note asses!" planned Meowth, the gangster cat. Don't try to make sense out of that characterization, by the way. I tried to, and now I'm broke and hungry and Cthulhu is coming for me. OH SHIT HERE HE COMES AAAHHGGGH

So, the Goon Squad goes off to grind themselves against a tree like the stupid drones that they are, managing to craft a massively large complex machine solely built for catching _one fucking Pokemon _in the process. Meanwhile, a montage is played that shows the once worthless Pokemon quickly becoming a... slightly less worthless Pokemon. Yeah, you can see where this is going, can't you? But, I'm going to make you wait for it because I am trying to write a god damn story here.

Okay, so Ash's group and the girl are taking a break from the grueling training which probably involves a punching bag and a snorkel. Brock cooks something up using nothing except scratch, even though I have previously noted that Brock can't see his own fucking hands much less a bunch of ingredients for a great meal, and everyone takes at least forty precious seconds so they can emphasize how G-RRRR-EAT Brock is at cooking. Okay, now they actually have a discussion about something semi important (read: the capital gains tax). The girl somehow brings the discussion to how the Pokemon got to be so worthless. It may or may not be Team Rocket oriented, I'll leave that one up to you. But the girl's story is sad by children's cartoon standards, so it probably involved the girl getting a stubbed toe. And then she runs away.

It makes more sense every time you listen to it. Trust me.

So, the training resumes after the much not needed break. Some hilarity ensues when the Pokemon gathers up some kind of freak strength and hurls the punching bag at Brock, thus knocking him the hell out. As the guys finally train the Pokemon to the point of where it can sustain it's own miserable life, WHO SHOULD COME RIPPLING OUT OF THE GRUESOMEST SHADOWS LIKE A RANCID FART FROM A POKEMON FAN BOY BUT...

_**COMMERCIAL BREAK BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF TYPING THIS SHIT**_


	3. Team Rocket! No Wreakin' Fay!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Pokemon, but I have something better: A PIECE OF STRING!

TEAM ROCKET JUMPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS! But they're in disguise, and by disguise, I mean wearing clothes they don't normally wear! Of course, the stupid retards that we have to call our heroes are totally fooled by Team Rocket's transparent attempt. Unfortunately, someone mentions the word "trouble" and, being as brilliant as they are in the art of being inconspicuous, they enter into their idiotic motto that goes a little something like this:

"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie begins.

"I have caveman stubble!" continues James.

"To protect the world from devastation."

"To inquire embarrassingly about masturbation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and love."

"Doctors like to assault you with a glove."

"Jessie!"

"Jackson!"

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light."

"This motto sucks with all of its might!"

"Meowth, I concur!" Meowth jumps up like a stubborn pimple and ends the speech thunderously.

Ash says "TEEM RAWKIT?", as if he's surprised they showed up again to catch his Pikachu even though he's probably seen them more than his own mother at this point, and the battle begins. And, by battle, I mean both groups shouting commands to their pokemon and watching them do it to each other (oh get your minds out of the gutter please). At last, after twelve long seconds, Team Rocket's girly pokemon lose and they resort to a huge machine that is shock proof, fire proof, water proof, and most importantly since this is a world full of various untamed creatures, piss proof. They believe they are triumphant, but they aren't. Not even by a long shot. Want to know why?

Because Ash and his friends are sweet, innocent, lovely, friendly, caring and helpful, goddamnit. But, most importantly, they are the main characters and, you better believe it, they can get out of any ridiculous situation. No matter how hopeless it would be in reality, it's a piece of cake in the pokemon world. Whereas Team Rocket are cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four flushing (whatever that even means), dirty, evil, kitten killing, baby choking, racist, scoundrel, Scrooges who could honestly care less about saving anybody. They will fail at life, and will more than likely spend the rest of their lives writing for some stupid fanfiction website. Of course they'll lose. It's in their nature- in their _instinct_- to do so. Villains of their status, in a similar manner to Emperor Pilaf from Dragonball, have a way of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory that is consistently impressive to the discerning spectator. Again, I digress.

Okay, let's recap. Ass Ketchup and his three-ring circus are getting royally pounded and Team Rocket are the poundees. They are getting pounded beyond most peoples' ability to comprehend with all of the Dragonball Z footage in the known universe. I mean, pounded worse than the COMMUNIST who played the AMERICAN in chess so many decades ago. 'Dem communis' are everwhar! The battle wages on and on and on and on (these things take time), and it quickly becomes apparent that there is no way, NO WAY. NO. EFFING. WAY, that Ash and Co. are going to win, because Team Rocket will not go more than about five or ten or two seconds without reminding the denial ridden Ash group and their barely standing Pokemon that is completely, utterly, and obviously hopeless, and they should just give up any dreams of winning and should give up all of their pokemon and go to the small shitter of a village known as Pallet Town and live out the rest of their worthless, meaningless twerp lives as factory workers making 12 bucks a week and not even owning a toilet. But they won't because, aside from all the reasons that I have already listed above, they are totally stupid as hell, as Meatwad would so eloquently put it.

So, at this point, the good guys have pretty much used each of their Pokemon at least four times, but they still aren't admitting defeat. Because, really, where would the show go after that? No where. It would end up in TV hell like Robot Jones and The Showbiz Show. But, I digress. Now, at last, Team Rocket have beat down the good guys so badly that they are finally starting to feel like it might actually not work out. There is a glimmer of not-hope in their boundless enthusiasm. But, then Duncan with her half dead, half dying pokemon shows up, declaring that her precious fluffy kins is going to single handedly destroy a piece of state of the art anti-Pokemon technology being operated by two dangerous, if totally fucking stupid, criminals.

This is too much stupidity for even our heroes to take. They ask her if she is crazy, and she responds with "Why, of course I am, my dad named me Duncan, for God's sake! But I want to help!" Before the Stupids (both of the groups) can respond, Duncan's pokemon experiences a powerful surge of strength and does, what I can estimate, is the equivalent of "ATOMIC BOMB PUNCH" and completely totals Team Rocket's gadget, making them blast off. Then they say their goodbyes and Ash and Co. are back on the road again. They all live happily ever after, Osama Bin Laden is arrested, and unicorns are found!

Not the ending you wanted to see? Me neither, but it had to be done. I'm a realist, folks, I'm not a wish granter. If I could have had my way, these guys would have all been taken out in a freak nuclear explosion in the height of the battle just because I know the comedic timing would have caused riots in the streets by disgruntled Pokemon fan boys.

THE END? YES. YES IT IS.


End file.
